When Hope Wears Thin

Nov 10th, 2023 | Ranchi, JH: 10mg THC, 12mg Opioids, 3600mg Gabapentene everyday to numb the pain. Dizziness, brain fog, and nausea are common with these. At no point in any of these days does the pain really go away, nerves are merely blocked from detecting them. Some days, they don't even work. For physiotherapy, they BDSM the shit out of the leg and it still comes out straight and stiff, a rather unwanted result for something so brutal.

One leg is placed straight on a flat surface at all times. Walking with a walker invited carpal tunnel syndrome to the party somehow.

That's what the past 3 months have been like.

What was first deemed as a mild ligament tear has now been diagnosed as multiple severed ligaments. They said, undergo surgery, you'll be okay then. I did - it did not make me okay. Now they say, you'll never be able to bend or lift your leg again, positively disabled, it appears. Looks like it.

16 doctors across the country over 3 months for something so basic, so regular as a 'sports injury', they say that was enough walking for life, no more for me. But I need to walk, that's the only thing I actually liked.

I have a new smartwatch with a step tracker, it has to track something and it better not be my heart attack.

Left my dream city, and left some people back there whom I love so much without so much as a farewell. I had a date, you know. And a collection of alcohol to finish. And I had promised someone we'd wear Jordans together when I walk again. Now, all my 36 pairs of shoes sit in the dust. And what for? Doctors say 'It just wasn't your day', you bet.

It takes a toll on you, you know, the fact that you're too dependent on someone for basic tasks like grabbing a meal. You're still expected to function normally, work like you used to, eat like you did, smile and laugh, click photos, go out, and you try your best until you can't. I don't want to go there yet, but hope seeps through my fingers like grains of sand and I don't seem to have a hold anymore.

Hope I fight this through, I've got miles to go before I sleep...